life is awesome......

you know what it's like when you're inexplicably sad? things just aren't feeling right in your guts and you just can't pinpoint exactly what the problem is? and no matter how hard you try to focus on the better things in life, it seems to be like causing too much movement in quicksand and you sink endlessly into the pit?

have you ever imagined what it would be like to feel the other end of the scale? seriously?

no, really, seriously - have you ever wondered what inexplicable happiness would feel like?

because it never in my life occurred to me to wonder what the opposite of inexplicable sadness would be like - let's face it, i wouldn't have even given it a second, micro-second, nano-second of thought - i guess the only thought i would have ever had is that inexplicable happiness does not exist.

i was wrong.

never have i been so happy to be so wrong about something so good.

cut my hair and trimmed the beard back first thing this morning, feels great to have things in order cause it makes me feel fresh and tidy :-)

i worked about 4 hours in the front garden this morning pulling up all the damn massive weeds that cropped up over the last few months..... bloody hard work! but it's done now.... big tick for me.

there was a blackout, frustrating, as the garage door was open and releasing the manual cord would've seen the door fly to the ground lol so i let it go as it was and went to have a bath...

didn't realise that the hot water system wasn't charged enough from solar, so the bath was pretty mild, well, verging onto cold! but i dealt with it....

then i unwrapped my parcel from sweden, knowing full well it was my copy (cd and double vinyl) of ace of base's 'hidden gems' album - curse that damn blackout!

then the power came back on, and i raced for the stereo, shoved in the cd and turned up the volume! i was in musical heaven once again!

singing and bopping around the house, that always feels good when new music arrives!

even did a couple of hours work, pushed out a quote i forgot was due today, caught up on some emails.

one of my professional "get fucked" emails had the desired effect and bought us some breathing space on a job that we've had since november, yet haven't started on site yet.....

paid some bills, looked at my account and left myself about 70 bucks for the week.... ah well, it'll get better soon....! fingers crossed!

i got a letter in the post today saying that my application for an official warning for a speeding fine on the ring road was approved! win!!!!

and then i started to have a bit of an out of body and mind experience.

i was looking at myself and my actions, my attitude, my facial expressions:

• "my gods - that guy is happy!"

i continued on for the afternoon, migrating to the computer room to fire up the big girl and sort out personal emails, file a massive pile of paperwork, started to download songs.....

headed back to the kitchen to get started on dinner, then it happened again:

• "holy fuck - look at this guy! what's he on??"

ace of base was on the stereo again, singing my guts out to 'would you believe' (as best as i could given i didn't know the full lyrics until about half hour ago lol)

and then it really hit me:

• "i'm feeling inexplicably happy!"

i actually said it in my head, then i laughed out loud and hopped a bit in excitement whilst revelling in this brand new feeling

it was a bit of a build up as i had been feeling really incredibly calm since leaving work last night, like everything was as it should be, no problems, no stresses (even though it was a stressful day at work), i wasn't that tired, wasn't that energetic - it was a really good balance.

then after realising the feeling of inexplicable happiness can and does occur, i took a step back and looked at the life i am living overall:

• i have a job
• i have a roof over my head
• i have a chicken
• i have an owner
• i have a pack
• i can and do provide great help and support to those around me
• i have gardens to play in
• though bills can be difficult to manage, i'm managing them better than i have ever done before
• i have a great support network
• i'm great at my job and even people who don't know me well or work with me, recognise that i'm a great worker (one of the boss's cute mates told him that i'm a keeper cause of the effort and time i put in my work)
• i have a mode of transport
• i'm a good person
• i love my food
• i love to sing and dance (dance in private - sing in public on occasion)
• i love to laugh
• i love that winter is starting to settle in
• i love that i have passions for things that i love and adore
• my life has direction and i have nothing to fear, nor anything to worry about

most importantly:

• i exist, and i'm damn proud to exist

my best friend april rang me at work this week to give me some exciting news from her world, and then she asked about me "how are you going? how's things without medication?"

she helped me realise that i'm really doing great.

"you know after all the shit you have been through over the years, all the pain and suffering etc, you would have been given full license to go off the rails, get onto drugs, turn to crime, etc..... lots of other people would end up that way, but you didn't, you went and looked for help and got yourself sorted out, you should be proud of that!"

i never thought about it that way at all - she was right - she reminded me about the crutches that idiot troy had as excuses for the fact he was just a cunt, through and through, to almost everyone, just for kicks.... what an asshole....

i'm incredibly proud of myself and looking back on things when i first met april, and what i've been through to get to where i am now - which is a safe and amazing place

it's a place of love, care, support and respect. true family. true friendships. true living.

mardi gras was a very humbling experience for me. i had never felt so appreciated and thanked ever in my life. it was the best thing i could have ever done in my life. to get the thanks that i did that night, i would do it again in an instant.

i told my boss about that and he noted "you really do enjoy doing things for others, don't you"

and i do. it's who i am.

i try to show love and care for those who deserve it.

to those who have fallen off my band wagon along the way - your loss - you'll never know what it's like to be cared for by me - i believe it's unlike anything and anyone else (yeah i know i'm sounding like a bit of a wanker now lol)

things are difficult at the moment, but hey, you get that - it's life. you just gotta roll with the punches.

i'm living proof that you can be abused, humiliated, taken advantage of, operated on (massively), insulted, financially fucked, alone, feel worthless and self destructive - and still come out the other side and talk about feeling inexplicably happy!

yes! it can happen to you too!

i'm acknowledging all the good in this life right now as the karma-payback i have deserved - so i'm going to do the best i can to keep a hold of it and keep looking forward with my head held high.

i'll leave you with this - life is hard, but the harder you work at it, the bigger better results you will receive. so sing a happy song. eat some good food. call a friend and tell them you love em. you may be alone in presence, but you are not alone in life.

saturday night ramblings.......

ohhh, kiss me baby, wake me up

i love this song i have to listen to it everyday at the moment lol

kiss me baby, i'm attractive, baby get to know me, show who you are
give me that music, baby, i'm eternal, lying in a coffin, waiting for you

my mobile is annoying at the moment given it's problematics with the wifi being incredibly intermittent like a stuttering teenager......

gonna fire up the slow cooker tomorrow - chicken, potato, bacon bake... been a while since i've made it, and well, let's face it, it ain't exactly summer down here.... mentioned on the news this week that it's been like 5 years or so since melbourne's gone the whole of january without reaching 40..... i'd go even further to say that it's barely even hit 30 most days and the forecast for the coming week is mostly low low 20's - suits me just fine :-)

better remember to take some bacon out of the freezer then!

currently sporting some great banter with my best mate about convertibles.... it's interesting what comes up in a google image search when the parameter is set to "old ugly convertible" - a new nissan pink thing even came up lol

so i'm doing quite well, today was meant to be my regular 'second day' where i'd pop a pill - so far so good.... again i don't expect much of a roller coaster coming off these things completely as compared to when i first got on em, but can't be too sure until decent amount of time has passed

bacon, don't forget the bacon...... ok done it :-)

i'll never forget the time i put on the slow cooker and had it on most of the day before i realised i hadn't turned the bloody thing on at the powerpoint! geeze i was pissed lol

and then there are the trance dance tracks that put me in another world.... thank you music! :-)

been thinking about ditching the old facebook thing again for a while.... but then who would i share my food pictures with??? ;-)

and who would i tap the dance of the keyboard to if i couldn't post about it to share my worldly (or worldless) thoughts!

the brain is a funny machine...

i did learn recently how evil silence can be....

and how much evil can be created when the brain is left to it's own devices in the presence of silence.

i do not like this phenomenon. not one iota.

hence i create lots more noise in the house these days.

there is an underlying long term plan, but in the meantime, i must fight the demons of silence and overcome the brain's power of creation, because my brain usually incurs the wrath of creation of lies, and i listen.

i'm trying to stop listening, i'm doing alright so far.

playing loud music and laughing loudly at the tv helps, a lot!

i feel nothing, when you cry
i hear nothing, see no need to reply
i can smile now, and turn away
come over here, so you can see me walk away, and celebrate
the end of night

i quite like that song too..... one of the few dido songs where you don't actually feel like taking a knife and finding a vein LOL

meanwhile! i got a call from baycorp advantage this week while i was at work.... looks like my fat ex has probably defaulted payment on any myriad of things he owes money to..... suck shit.... i told the girl that i had nothing to do with him anymore, but i knew exactly what they'd be calling about so i wished that i did know exactly where they could find him, just to teach him a lesson, another one.....

i guess that's what that song reminds me of :-)

installed a weather shield on the passenger side of the truck this afternoon..... far out i didn't bugger it up at all! i usually find some way to knacker it up when i try to be handy.... i've always said that building and construction concepts work totally OK in my brain, but practical application and implementation by my own hands is an ever growing MISERY in action LOL

let me draw it up in autocad - then let someone else do the real thing :-)

might get back into the good wife tomorrow

i finished the 3 seasons of miranda that i bought around my birthday - holy cow i am surprised i didn't get a call from neighbour sharon asking what the commotion was all about - and it wouldn't be the first time if she had done it LOL

my deja vu, you're my obsession
my deja vu, it's always you

beautiful music in that song, the instrumental is just as lovely, bit latin, guitars (bass and acoustic), shakers, drums etc and some electronica, can't go wrong with some nice electronica....

my deja vu, everything is up to you

better goto bed soon i think, gotta buy some things still for the slow cooker, then off to ballarat to the dodgy wendouree shops to sort out this mobile......

my deja vu............

arrivals hall...........

what an awesome, awesome day!

today, i went to visit the psychiatrist for my latest head check..... i was actually feeling really good and looking forward to catching up with him.

i went through how things in life were going great, day to day life was pretty good, work has been amazing, future happenings are pretty exciting too....

then he asked "so what did you want to do with your medication?" and i immediately stated "i wanna get off em!"

he agreed :-)

he said he didn't see the point in continuing when i was taking 1 tablet every second day anyhow, so my wish was granted!

yippeee!!!

so once again i am in this high head space like i was the day i got my teeth out of prison (braces).....

it's this weird surreal feeling like i've just arrived back in australia after being overseas for a few years.... so let's see how things appear in the future :-) given the dosage of what i was taking was on the weaker side, i shouldn't see any major side effects like i did when i was going up in dosage (big time)

i've had lots of experiences during the last 3 and a bit years whilst being on meds of some sort..... some good, some bad, but it's all just part of growing...

i've come out of the other side a much better unit - great friends, great family, great future prospects, great job, great opportunities, greatness all around

i'm in a position where i can be who i truly am, and be confident about it at the same time

i've had a few people drop off along the way, but that's not my problem, if people can't accept me for what my purpose is, i can't change that

and a few people have commented privately to me how happy they are to be seeing me so happy and having a great time with my life - at long last! :-)

all i can say is that i'm excited for the future, but don't want it to zooooommm right past my face, so i need to take a step back and make sure i enjoy each moment for what it's worth.

in addition to that, i've got something around my neck that means the world to me - it grounds me and keeps me safe and sane. i wouldn't swap it for anything, not ever (and no - it's not a noose LOL)

so i'll keep plodding along doing the best that i can and make things better for myself and those around me that mean lots and lots :-)

and as required i'll pop onto my bloggery thingo whatsit and tap the dance of the keyboard

go me! :-)