have you ever imagined what it would be like to feel the other end of the scale? seriously?
no, really, seriously - have you ever wondered what inexplicable happiness would feel like?
because it never in my life occurred to me to wonder what the opposite of inexplicable sadness would be like - let's face it, i wouldn't have even given it a second, micro-second, nano-second of thought - i guess the only thought i would have ever had is that inexplicable happiness does not exist.
i was wrong.
never have i been so happy to be so wrong about something so good.
cut my hair and trimmed the beard back first thing this morning, feels great to have things in order cause it makes me feel fresh and tidy :-)
i worked about 4 hours in the front garden this morning pulling up all the damn massive weeds that cropped up over the last few months..... bloody hard work! but it's done now.... big tick for me.
there was a blackout, frustrating, as the garage door was open and releasing the manual cord would've seen the door fly to the ground lol so i let it go as it was and went to have a bath...
didn't realise that the hot water system wasn't charged enough from solar, so the bath was pretty mild, well, verging onto cold! but i dealt with it....
then i unwrapped my parcel from sweden, knowing full well it was my copy (cd and double vinyl) of ace of base's 'hidden gems' album - curse that damn blackout!
then the power came back on, and i raced for the stereo, shoved in the cd and turned up the volume! i was in musical heaven once again!
singing and bopping around the house, that always feels good when new music arrives!
even did a couple of hours work, pushed out a quote i forgot was due today, caught up on some emails.
one of my professional "get fucked" emails had the desired effect and bought us some breathing space on a job that we've had since november, yet haven't started on site yet.....
paid some bills, looked at my account and left myself about 70 bucks for the week.... ah well, it'll get better soon....! fingers crossed!
i got a letter in the post today saying that my application for an official warning for a speeding fine on the ring road was approved! win!!!!
and then i started to have a bit of an out of body and mind experience.
i was looking at myself and my actions, my attitude, my facial expressions:
- "my gods - that guy is happy!"
i continued on for the afternoon, migrating to the computer room to fire up the big girl and sort out personal emails, file a massive pile of paperwork, started to download songs.....
headed back to the kitchen to get started on dinner, then it happened again:
- "holy fuck - look at this guy! what's he on??"
ace of base was on the stereo again, singing my guts out to 'would you believe' (as best as i could given i didn't know the full lyrics until about half hour ago lol)
and then it really hit me:
- "i'm feeling inexplicably happy!"
i actually said it in my head, then i laughed out loud and hopped a bit in excitement whilst revelling in this brand new feeling
it was a bit of a build up as i had been feeling really incredibly calm since leaving work last night, like everything was as it should be, no problems, no stresses (even though it was a stressful day at work), i wasn't that tired, wasn't that energetic - it was a really good balance.
then after realising the feeling of inexplicable happiness can and does occur, i took a step back and looked at the life i am living overall:
- i have a job
- i have a roof over my head
- i have a chicken
- i have an owner
- i have a pack
- i can and do provide great help and support to those around me
- i have gardens to play in
- though bills can be difficult to manage, i'm managing them better than i have ever done before
- i have a great support network
- i'm great at my job and even people who don't know me well or work with me, recognise that i'm a great worker (one of the boss's cute mates told him that i'm a keeper cause of the effort and time i put in my work)
- i have a mode of transport
- i'm a good person
- i love my food
- i love to sing and dance (dance in private - sing in public on occasion)
- i love to laugh
- i love that winter is starting to settle in
- i love that i have passions for things that i love and adore
- my life has direction and i have nothing to fear, nor anything to worry about
most importantly:
- i exist, and i'm damn proud to exist
my best friend april rang me at work this week to give me some exciting news from her world, and then she asked about me "how are you going? how's things without medication?"
she helped me realise that i'm really doing great.
"you know after all the shit you have been through over the years, all the pain and suffering etc, you would have been given full license to go off the rails, get onto drugs, turn to crime, etc..... lots of other people would end up that way, but you didn't, you went and looked for help and got yourself sorted out, you should be proud of that!"
i never thought about it that way at all - she was right - she reminded me about the crutches that idiot troy had as excuses for the fact he was just a cunt, through and through, to almost everyone, just for kicks.... what an asshole....
i'm incredibly proud of myself and looking back on things when i first met april, and what i've been through to get to where i am now - which is a safe and amazing place
it's a place of love, care, support and respect. true family. true friendships. true living.
mardi gras was a very humbling experience for me. i had never felt so appreciated and thanked ever in my life. it was the best thing i could have ever done in my life. to get the thanks that i did that night, i would do it again in an instant.
i told my boss about that and he noted "you really do enjoy doing things for others, don't you"
and i do. it's who i am.
i try to show love and care for those who deserve it.
to those who have fallen off my band wagon along the way - your loss - you'll never know what it's like to be cared for by me - i believe it's unlike anything and anyone else (yeah i know i'm sounding like a bit of a wanker now lol)
things are difficult at the moment, but hey, you get that - it's life. you just gotta roll with the punches.
i'm living proof that you can be abused, humiliated, taken advantage of, operated on (massively), insulted, financially fucked, alone, feel worthless and self destructive - and still come out the other side and talk about feeling inexplicably happy!
yes! it can happen to you too!
i'm acknowledging all the good in this life right now as the karma-payback i have deserved - so i'm going to do the best i can to keep a hold of it and keep looking forward with my head held high.
i'll leave you with this - life is hard, but the harder you work at it, the bigger better results you will receive. so sing a happy song. eat some good food. call a friend and tell them you love em. you may be alone in presence, but you are not alone in life.
